18Jun09 Conflicts
I’ve been avoiding writing. Some things have happened and I’m just not comfortable with talking about them in a public way. Weird statement for a blogger, maybe, but some things definitely don’t need to be said in public. A while back I had planned to write a big post on what people do and say online that should maybe kept private but I think that draft has been around for over six months now. Pretty strong indication that I’ll never finish it.
I will talk about it some now, though, planned post be hanged. (I really just looked that up to see if I should use ‘hung’ instead.) I used to never have a problem with separating my online life from my personal life. No one in my social circle was into the “design” thing way back when and for others… what they didn’t know didn’t hurt them. If I had something to say that I didn’t really want out in the open I had a protected journal to post in. I still do, actually. I’m fully aware that one is not entitled to any level of privacy if they decide to post something online without placing a password on it or some other sort of security. Of course, someone you let in to your confidence could betray you but thankfully that has never happened to me.
Things are a little bit different these days. “Social networking” seems to be the buzzword of the year so far with the rising popularity of Facebook and other sites like that twitter thing. (Really, it’s fairly entertaining to hear non twitter users talking about twitter. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard say “I don’t want to read about what you ate for lunch so why would I use twitter?” or something similar. Twitter can be used for much more than that.) I have been rather surprised by the increasing numbers of older users on Facebook. Please don’t take offense; I’m not trying to say that some people are too old to use the internet or make derogatory comments about people’s ages. I’m sure there are some kids who would say that I’m the old fogey here and what am I doing on their interwebs!? Still, one really wouldn’t expect that one’s parents would be on Facebook but it’s happening.
Where am I going with this. So many sites now allow you to bring in content from other websites. I do so with my blog and my twitter account. Facebook will allow you to connect to all sorts of sites including any site that has an RSS feed. All of those stories can be imported and published to your news feed. You can add your own websites to your profile and all kinds of different things. Since Facebook is intended to be used to connect to people you know online and offline life start to blur. In reality this shouldn’t be a problem. A person should be able to be the same online as they are offline and vice versa.
So maybe I’m not really going anywhere with this; I’m having a hard time explaining what I want to say. In a way this whole internal mess I’m trying to straighten out has to do with more than just what a person posts online. I don’t even know who, exactly, reads this. This site is linked to from some of the sites I’ve already mentioned so it could be any number of people I know, both online and off.
I guess what I really want to ask is where do you draw the line between doing what you feel is right for yourself and doing what makes people you know and care about happy? What happens when you come to a time where the two are completely incompatible? Several people have told me that you should do what makes yourself happy but how do you reconcile that with the fact that you know you are disappointing others or that they will never accept that you are doing those things to help yourself?
Good question.
Personally, I feel one should behave online as they would off. But to keep in mind that even what we believe is said in confidence is sort of like passing a note in class and someone might intercept. You know this.
If your regular behavior would disappoint someone, then depending on how that makes you feel, let that guide you.
I see two extreme scenarios- you say something/behave in some way that would upset certain people in your life. If that disappointment is rooted in a basic misunderstanding of who you are and by witnessing/reading your words makes them revisit their understanding, then be true to yourself. If it makes them uncomfortable and you don’t want them to be, you might want to guide them away/ask them not to read/talk to them/etc. If however, the disappointment would be two-sided, your’s and their’s because you represent yourself one way and another depending on the crowd (which, I want to pipe in and say, I can’t imagine you doing this) and suddenly you’re forced to see yourself through someone else’s eyes in a context you didn’t imagine, then I recommend revisiting who you are and what type of person you want to be.
I’m a big fan of being the person you want. It might not be comfortable but at least there’s room to grow, make mistakes, and people know what they’re getting. Family has to deal. Friends will cope. Readers will come and go. But you have to be okay with you. If you’re inauthentic, it hurts more than it helps. Always.
Now- if you’re simply talking about taboo/non-taboo talking points, curse words, etc. -that type of censoring self- use the voice that best fits your message and which will best carry to your readers. Readers will determine whether or not you’ll fit them. Loved ones, too.
There’s no shame in having a tough dialogue with loved ones, either. In fact, you might clear out erroneous misunderstandings or come out the stronger relationship-wise. As long as respect is given and opinions are honored.
That’s a tough one. I think it really just comes with experience and depends on each individual person, in the end.
For me, I look at it and ask myself if I’m comfortable with anyone knowing it. Sometimes I’ll just write a general post instead of including details.