Hangups
It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve thought about writing but I haven’t. Once, a few nights ago, I felt like writing (how did I type “righting” without realizing it?) but I know from past experience that for me, writing that late at night produces nothing worthwhile. Earlier I had started a draft of a post about hindsight but it, too, was going to end up a wordy wall of text. In essence: things happened, nothing will change the fact that they happened, and that’s OK. I don’t need to “get over it”, at least not in the traditional sense. But that’s about as far as I’ve gotten; I’m still trying to figure out where to go from here. Accepting that I don’t have to “forgive and forget” was a big step.
It’s been a while since I’ve picked up my camera. I’ve thought about it. A little. Actually, I’ve spent more time thinking about what it is I want to shoot rather than doing any sort of work. And to be honest there’s more than a small amount of fear.
I know the thinking is important but there comes a time when I need to stop thinking and do something.
Actually, the not writing and the not picking up a camera are related to the things that happened. That shouldn’t be a big realization but it feels like one.
One other reason I haven’t been writing? Every time I sit down to do that I end up with a jumbled mess that goes from topic to topic and never actually get to what it is I wanted to write about in the first place. I want my writing to be better but always end up deleting everything because I feel like there’s no point. (I almost deleted that line.) But sometimes I just have to write what I think, publish, and move on. At least, that’s what I tell myself. I have a lot of hangups, ok?
I think I’m close to moving on. I’m just not there yet. Also, a cat has taken over my lap in spite of the laptop that is already occupying that space.
