Writer’s block

It’s not that I’m having a real block. I’ve been writing. I’ve been writing lots of things it’s just that as I come close to wrapping a post up, or even when getting to the heart of the story I keep having major episodes of second guessing myself. Why? I’ve come to realize that certain things that I had guessed a few weeks ago were actually true.

I am no stranger to the internet. I am perfectly aware that my blog and twitter account aren’t protected. Anyone can read them. I am also keenly aware that my views and opinions differ greatly from those of many people who know me. That’s one of the reasons why I’ve hesitated to be more open about sharing this site with them. Funny enough, my site is on my Facebook profile. Just this one. Finding my twitter requires some digging, more so now that I’ve been working on the layout here. I never tried to hide it and I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve written. I just don’t want to stir the pot. (Don’t even ask me about how hard it was not to post anything on Facebook during the circus that was the 2012 election.)

But, I still feel the same way I did a few weeks ago. I don’t want to stop writing, I don’t want to shut this blog down and move and I don’t want to feel like I’ve been chased out of the safe space that was my twitter. I also don’t want to feel like I can’t write about the things I’d like to just so that other people continue to feel good about themselves. But. BUT. The judging. It’s one thing to know that it’s a possibility that people are talking about you. It’s another thing entirely to know for certain that they are. And that some of those selfsame people might be reading this and recognizing themselves in the words I write and will take exception to it.

On the other hand, I have some close friends who I trust very much telling me that I’m not a terrible person, that I’m kind and reasonable and mostly rational. I say mostly because I have been having fangirl moments. (I regret nothing.) I say this to point out that I haven’t lost touch with reality. I’m not a hateful person and I haven’t been writing hateful or spiteful things. Sometimes frustration creeps out, yes, but I am only human.

Writing this hasn’t helped me reach any conclusions but well, what else is new? I’m not giving up yet.