Archived entries for Life

Bring on spring

As I type this, more snow is falling. I don’t think we’re supposed to get more accumulation but enough with the snow already. I knew last winter was extremely mild for this area but this is ridiculous. There are a few things fueling my increasing dislike of snow.

For one, apartment management does a piss poor job at snow removal in the lot and on our sidewalk. Our car has nearly been blocked in several times due to the ridiculous mound that gets left behind the parked cars. Do they ever let us know ahead of time when they’ll be plowing so that we can move the car? Nope. The person plowing regularly ends up piling a ton of snow at the end of the sidewalk where it joins the parking lot and they don’t always make a clear path, meaning that it becomes rather treacherous. And, since they don’t salt anything but part of the sidewalk, the whole lot often turns into an ice rink.

Secondly, my feet have said ENOUGH to me wearing snow boots. I have high arches and I think one doctor said my heels are oddly twisted. Additionally there is something freaky with one of my ankles so wearing shoe inserts doesn’t help much. I pretty much live in whatever athletic shoes fit best. Because shoe companies feel like they have to keep changing the design and renaming shoes, this means that when it’s time for a new pair (like now), I pretty much try on every single 8 1/2 that I can find and then narrow it down. But snow boots? No such luck. I haven’t even been able to find a good pair of regular boots since I started having problems with my feet. The snow boots I have are better than most of those but they aren’t nearly supportive enough. As a result my left foot has been screwed up for over a week. I’ve only worn my boots once since then to take out the recycling. Remember how poorly they plow the parking lot? There was a huge sheet of ice covered with snow and surrounded by huge puddles so the boots were necessary. I’m still waiting for my foot to get better because some days it hurts before I even get out of bed.

Thirdly, something that I’ve mentioned quite a few times on twitter. One of the not so fun pregnancy issues I’ve been having for about five weeks now is Pelvic Girdle Pain. Short version: the joints in my pelvis are relaxing too much. And early. It means that things like rolling over in bed, getting in and out of a car, and any movement that takes my legs in a side to side motion are extremely painful. So when I have to walk across a very icy sidewalk and/or parking lot and my legs start sliding in all directions, even barely an inch, that hurts. Thankfully the pain has mostly let up. For now. It could come back any time, especially as this child grows and puts more pressure on my pelvis. Not really much fun at all.

Finally? I refuse to buy a maternity coat. It won’t (at least, it shouldn’t) be cold for that much longer and who knows if I will ever need it again. I’m already about to outgrow my non maternity clothes so I’d rather buy warm weather clothing. Of course, being 9 months pregnant in July is not going to be very pleasant either but I’ll deal with it. Somehow.

So enough of the snow. Give us warmer weather!

A little navelgazing

Obviously I didn’t make a New Year’s Resolution to write more for the blog. I’ve started up several posts on Issues but I haven’t been able to fully hash them out or maybe I just don’t have the words yet to fully articulate my thoughts. While that’s all very frustrating I realized that I haven’t actually sat down and wrote much of anything about this pregnancy or how I’m doing so I’m allowing myself to do just that.

First trimester wrap-up! So far as actual pregnancy related issues I didn’t have many. I was (and still am) feeling sick at the thought of preparing or eating most meat. It wasn’t something I particularly enjoyed before getting pregnant so I’m not surprised. It’s just now I’m having to work extra hard to get enough protein and iron. Morning sickness? Not an issue (knock on wood). I know a few other gals who are due the same month as me and a couple of them have needed medication and IV fluids because of their extreme morning sickness. No, I got “lucky” in that I only had a 24 hour GI flu the week after Thanksgiving and then getting the for real influenza type a the week of Christmas. I should have gotten a flu shot in the fall but I’ve never ever had one so I was pretty ambivalent. Then at my first OB appointment at 8 weeks they said I should wait until 12 weeks to get one. Wouldn’t you know, 10 weeks in, BOOM, got the flu. Other than that (which was horrible), sore boobs, and feeling tired and needing to take naps (something I almost never do), I had it pretty easy.

Oh right, first appointment. Everything was pretty routine. I did have somewhat of an issue with my doctor not reviewing my chart before seeing me because one of the first things she mentioned was that I didn’t need any assistance to achieve this pregnancy. I know I had only seen her in person once before but we’ve talked on the phone multiple times since and she’s signed multiple prescriptions for me. I know doctors are busy but that irked me. Following the exam we went to the ultrasound room and got to see one little baby with a flickering heartbeat on the screen. Seeing that there was, in fact, a heartbeat was the biggest relief. The second was seeing that it wasn’t twins. I knew going in that it was a rather high probability and I wouldn’t have been upset if it were. I know know that a) pregnancy with twins is more difficult and b) raising twins is more difficult, in a way that having multiple children isn’t. First hand experience growing up as a twin, remember? Continue reading…

Writer’s block

It’s not that I’m having a real block. I’ve been writing. I’ve been writing lots of things it’s just that as I come close to wrapping a post up, or even when getting to the heart of the story I keep having major episodes of second guessing myself. Why? I’ve come to realize that certain things that I had guessed a few weeks ago were actually true.

I am no stranger to the internet. I am perfectly aware that my blog and twitter account aren’t protected. Anyone can read them. I am also keenly aware that my views and opinions differ greatly from those of many people who know me. That’s one of the reasons why I’ve hesitated to be more open about sharing this site with them. Funny enough, my site is on my Facebook profile. Just this one. Finding my twitter requires some digging, more so now that I’ve been working on the layout here. I never tried to hide it and I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve written. I just don’t want to stir the pot. (Don’t even ask me about how hard it was not to post anything on Facebook during the circus that was the 2012 election.)

But, I still feel the same way I did a few weeks ago. I don’t want to stop writing, I don’t want to shut this blog down and move and I don’t want to feel like I’ve been chased out of the safe space that was my twitter. I also don’t want to feel like I can’t write about the things I’d like to just so that other people continue to feel good about themselves. But. BUT. The judging. It’s one thing to know that it’s a possibility that people are talking about you. It’s another thing entirely to know for certain that they are. And that some of those selfsame people might be reading this and recognizing themselves in the words I write and will take exception to it.

On the other hand, I have some close friends who I trust very much telling me that I’m not a terrible person, that I’m kind and reasonable and mostly rational. I say mostly because I have been having fangirl moments. (I regret nothing.) I say this to point out that I haven’t lost touch with reality. I’m not a hateful person and I haven’t been writing hateful or spiteful things. Sometimes frustration creeps out, yes, but I am only human.

Writing this hasn’t helped me reach any conclusions but well, what else is new? I’m not giving up yet.

At last

Some of you may remember a few weeks ago when I was trying to get the results of a blood test back. After all the calling back and forth about finding out the cost it turned out that I wouldn’t be able to get the results until the following Monday. That Monday came and went and I never said much more about it.

That’s because I’m a terrible liar. Honestly, I don’t have a poker face. If someone asks me a question and I know the answer it shows on my face. And I can hardly stand to not tell when I know the answer.

That Monday I did get a call (from a nurse, not my doctor so there went that reasoning) and my results were good. Really really good. But I already knew they would be because over the weekend I had gotten a positive pregnancy test!! Sometime next July there will be a baby in the echodrift household.

We’ve told family and close friends and are going to be putting it on Facebook soon so that people will see that they don’t have to keep a secret for us.

Aaaaaaaahhh I’m still so excited I can hardly stand it. I feel like I have a million things to get done now so I can’t imagine what actual nesting feels like. So far everything is going well except for near constant burping, which has been fairly entertaining. I won’t have a prenatal appointment for a few weeks yet so I don’t have a sonogram to put on Facebook as my profile photo… wait that’s not ever happening. I personally can’t stand that trend.

ANYWAY. At long last the TTC phase is over! I know that a year isn’t long compared to some couple’s experiences with infertility but it was long enough for me. I feel like a whole mountain of stress has been lifted. There’s still a lot that’s up in the air but life is good right now.

We have not decided on names yet! Preemptive FYI there. I say we have to find out if there’s more than one before we start talking about names.

The quandary

It’s currently 3:39 AM where I am and I cannot sleep. Probably not the best time to write but what can you do.

There’s lots of things I’ve thought about writing for this site and I really have been meaning to, especially if I want to keep up with my Ink Rally goals. Which I do. It’s just that this is a holiday week in the US and that means less free time at home and more time on the road and with family.

Which brings me to one of those things. Sometimes lately I get the idea that it would be awesome to link my blog up to my personal Facebook. (I don’t have a site page set up. I can’t decide if it’s worth it after the changes Facebook has recently made to how pages work. ) One of the main reasons is that I don’t upload much of any of my photos to Facebook other than the odd Instagram. It’s not that I don’t want people to see them I just really hate the compression that happens and I just don’t like having my photos on Facebook. I have many conflicting feelings about that site but I can’t seem to do without it because I live so far away from so many people. It’s a pickle.

So like my pumpkin patch and carving photos? I wouldn’t mind posting that so that extended family could see what we’ve been up to. But then. THEN. I remember what happened last time I shared my blog and some photos on Facebook where those same people could see them. In very few words, it was disastrous because they Did Not Approve. The fact that this was well over three years ago? Doesn’t matter. I still feel like I can’t talk about the details because there was such a lack of understanding on their part and huge sense of betrayal felt by yours truly that I’m not really joking when I say I could probably use a therapist to sort it all out.

What would you do if there was a hobby of yours that you just immensely loved and felt like it was an integral part of your identity HOWEVER when your family saw you exploring your hobby and trying new things and instead of encouraging you and being excited for you they respond with judgment and concern but not really concern for you, the kind of concern that shows they’re really just thinking about themselves?

Holy run-on. That’s not even all of it, really. Just the bones. The thing is I’ve got a feeling that maybe a few family members do know about my blog and read it occasionally. I really, really do not want a confrontation. I’m not ready for that again. See? I can’t even talk about the problem without feeling like I’m doing something wrong when I don’t feel like I was the one who did anything!

I’ve looked at my options. I could try to conform to their expectations. I could abandon this site and start over, attempting anonymity. I could just stop doing any sort of blogging. All of those options suck. Each one would mean that I am trying to change or hide something about myself that I’m not ashamed about but am actually rather proud of. I’ve had other people express their incredulity over what happened and I KNOW I’m not crazy. It is simply not fair to feel like I need to hide something that is not bad at all.

But then I remember what did happen, so I don’t share my posts and I continually fret over why I feel like I can’t. I know that most people would say forget them, do what you want. That’s easy to say, especially on the internet. This is the intersection of real life and the internet and that is something else. Maybe someday I’ll be able to feel like none of it matters and I can post and share whatever I like. Until then, round and round I’ll go.


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