Archived entries for TTC

At last

Some of you may remember a few weeks ago when I was trying to get the results of a blood test back. After all the calling back and forth about finding out the cost it turned out that I wouldn’t be able to get the results until the following Monday. That Monday came and went and I never said much more about it.

That’s because I’m a terrible liar. Honestly, I don’t have a poker face. If someone asks me a question and I know the answer it shows on my face. And I can hardly stand to not tell when I know the answer.

That Monday I did get a call (from a nurse, not my doctor so there went that reasoning) and my results were good. Really really good. But I already knew they would be because over the weekend I had gotten a positive pregnancy test!! Sometime next July there will be a baby in the echodrift household.

We’ve told family and close friends and are going to be putting it on Facebook soon so that people will see that they don’t have to keep a secret for us.

Aaaaaaaahhh I’m still so excited I can hardly stand it. I feel like I have a million things to get done now so I can’t imagine what actual nesting feels like. So far everything is going well except for near constant burping, which has been fairly entertaining. I won’t have a prenatal appointment for a few weeks yet so I don’t have a sonogram to put on Facebook as my profile photo… wait that’s not ever happening. I personally can’t stand that trend.

ANYWAY. At long last the TTC phase is over! I know that a year isn’t long compared to some couple’s experiences with infertility but it was long enough for me. I feel like a whole mountain of stress has been lifted. There’s still a lot that’s up in the air but life is good right now.

We have not decided on names yet! Preemptive FYI there. I say we have to find out if there’s more than one before we start talking about names.

Searching for peace

I received some bad news on Tuesday. It’s not exactly horrible news but it certainly wasn’t great. Part of this may be overreaction; I won’t know for a couple of days and maybe not even then. Why am I being so cryptic? There really is no need for it. I’m just having a hard time dealing, which isn’t an exaggeration. Ok. So. On Monday I had some blood work done and Tuesday I got the results. My progesterone levels are about half of what my doctor said would be “good” or what they expected them to be. I’m not going to go in to more detail, partly because I’m not sure of anything at this point. This could still end well but… it’s not very likely. As in nearly impossible.

Hopes. Dashed. I spent most of Tuesday wallowing. I can only describe my feelings as soul crushing despair. Wednesday I tried to haul myself out of it but all I managed to do was make my arm sore. Well, it’s sore because I scrubbed my entire shower (take that, hard water and soap scum!) and my kitchen sink (thing looks hideous no matter what I do because… I actually don’t know why but Bar Keepers Friend is magic!). Today I am marginally better but I feel it’s a fragile thing. I’m a fragile thing. It would take very little for me to become a useless bawling heap again.

That does no one any good, least of all me. I know it’s trite but I am trying to keep a positive attitude, see the “bright side” (hint: there IS no bright side), appreciate the opportunities I have now (nope, isn’t coming close to helping), and blah blah blah. Truth is it sucks. It will continue to suck and there’s only one thing that can change that. Since that one thing isn’t happening soon the only thing left for me to do is suck it up and deal. And try so very hard to not fall into depression.

So far what I’ve come up with as distractions are A) hard core cleaning and organizing our apartment because, well, I’m a horrible housekeeper and it needs to be done and B) working on art, any sort of art. I’ve not been updating the blog (July was super busy and I had nothing compelling to share), I haven’t worked on any photos in ages, and I’ve been wanting to get back to at least trying some more traditional mediums. That ties in to distraction A because I currently have no room to set up my easel or anything. In fact, once I eat (how did it get to be 2:15 and I haven’t eaten anything?) I’m going to attack our “office”, which is really just a room for our computers and TONS OF BOXES WHERE DID THIS CRAP COME FROM.

Now that I’ve gotten that much off my chest, here are some photos of my mama’s day lilies. I was able to wander around a bit after some rain and became quite obsessed with raindrops. Continue reading…

No news is frustrating news

I’m glad that no matter how often I lapse in blogging my site is still here when I need it. Some of this is just recapping some snippets I’ve put on twitter but these past few days I haven’t even been doing that. Other than instagram-ing some photos and wishing my phone had a better camera!

Last week I did have the blood tests done that my doctor had suggested (but still left up to me). I’m still sporting a large bruise on my right arm from where the first stick attempt ended in a vein blowout. I’ve never had that happen before but I don’t blame the nurse. I’ve known for awhile that I have tiny veins. I’ve even been stuck before and had no blood come out, even. Anyway, second stick in the back of my left hand worked though I have another small bruise there. To my surprise I got the results the same day: everything is in normal ranges, meaning that it’s probably not a thyroid issue and another indication that it’s still very unlikely that I have PCOS. Not impossible, just unlikely.

(Also, the nurse doing the draw thought that I was 18! She could tell what I was there for by the tests ordered and thought I couldn’t be old enough to be thinking about having a baby yet. I was like nooo… I’m 27?)

It’s good news because there’s nothing “wrong” but it’s not much of an answer, which is just frustrating. I know I’m an over thinker and I’m having a hard time accepting that there isn’t much I can do to control any of this. To fix anything. Feeling like a broken person isn’t exactly new, though, because of all the problems I’ve had with headaches and the fact that I’ve found nothing to help those. I’m pretty sure that no one likes feeling helpless so I know that all that I’m feeling is normal. This whole thing is normal and I’m not the only one who is, has, or will have been in this situation. It just helps to say that out loud.

We are still talking about our other options –it’s definitely “we” because all of this affects the husband too– and sort of taking it one day at a time. And now I’m having panicky thoughts about how much I should share and when and holy crap I’m telling the internet everything! Well, not everything; there are certain details I’ll certainly be keeping to myself.

What I need to do and am trying to do is find other things to do to occupy my time cause honestly, sitting on my asa in front ot the TV and moping isn’t going to do anyone any good, least of all me. Some friends and I are trying to get together regularly and walk, both for exercise and as something to get us all out of our own spaces for a bit. The first day it rained so that turned into a manicure party. The second day I managed to hurt my knee AND hip somehow so today is just our third day. Here’s hoping I don’t injure myself again!

The first visit

I was right about one thing: I didn’t know what was going to happen on Monday. I still don’t know much more than I started out knowing and feel more than a little weird that the OB left so much of what to do entirely up to me. She gave me some options and we’re going to think about which it is we’re going to do. By the way, my blood pressure was fine! I was totally surprised because the nurse was already talking to me about why I was there when she started taking it.

This is the part where I started to get panicky: writing the followup post. I know I’m the one who decided to put all of this out there. My site, my decision. But now that I’m going to need to make these other decisions I’m thinking “whoa, I could soon be getting a whole lot of unsolicited advice”. I’m really not looking for people to tell me what to do or not do, or criticize me for doing something that they wouldn’t. I know it’s likely to happen regardless but this decision making process is difficult enough on its own.

So for right now I’m going to take a step back and take care of what I need to and once again, when I feel like bringing something up I’ll write about it. Eventually. If I need help or opinions I’ll ask. (There’s a whole lot of stuff about how pregnant people and women in general are sometimes considered ‘public property’ and many other people thus feels entitled to command, police, and generally try to control those people. Pretty sure I’ll get to address this later but basically: paws off!)

Thanks to everyone who’s chimed in or offered to chat, and even everyone who’s been reading without commenting.

Where we are now

Last post I left off with some advice to let people bring up their childbearing choices in their own time. Well, I’m bringing it up now. (Obviously.) I’ve actually been in the “smile and nod and give noncommittal answers about ‘someday'” spot. It is no fun. And unless you’ve been in my position I don’t know of any way to explain just how terrible it feels. Like I said before, years ago I was pretty ambivalent about having kids. And then something changed. I don’t know what or how but for about two years the thought of wanting a baby actually makes me ache. I dream about it, often quite realistically, and am beyond disappointed when I wake up and realize it isn’t true. So if you’ve never wanted something that badly I don’t think you can know. To say it’s not fun is actually putting it very, very mildly.

Finally, last fall, we decided that we were in a place where it wouldn’t destroy –destroy might be to strong a word but oh well– our lives. We have insurance (not sure how much that will do because damn if it isn’t expensive).  I did what I needed to to come off my headache prevention medication (one of those that is known to cause birth defects), then after enough time go off of birth control. For the first time in four and a half years. I started taking prenatal vitamins. I started temperature charting so that this wouldn’t be a stab in the dark. (There’s a “that’s what she said” joke in there, somewhere.) And so we waited. Well, we did more than just wait because duh, storks don’t bring babies. But you know. THAT. (Hi, family!) And waited some more.

I got an app for my phone for my chart and set an alarm to make sure I took it at the same time and dutifully recorded the results. I told myself that I shouldn’t expect anything the first few months because sometimes it just takes time. And then some more time passed and things weren’t looking exactly like they should. But, I expected some irregularity. Surely nothing was wrong. And then April came around. I did some traveling in April so that could throw some things off. But then May was just around the corner and I was on day 40 something of my cycle and had nothing but a negative test and no sure sign of ovulation on my chart. Something was wrong because that doesn’t fit any definition of “normal”.

Looking back, I think that it’s very likely I wasn’t ovulating at all even though the app assumed I was, however irregular the data. It just didn’t add up. Knowing what I now do I should have known; that’s what willful delusion will get you. Looking farther back, things may never have been right. Remember how periods were something to not talk about, something to be ashamed of? And how I wasn’t ever really taught about the whole process? My cycles had never been regular. Not that I can remember. But it was never an issue because I didn’t want kids then. Why should I have worried about it, discussed something that was at the time mortifying? Add it all together: I was fooling myself because I didn’t want there to be anything wrong. I didn’t want to have to entertain thoughts of infertility. I didn’t want to deal with doctors again, trying to find a diagnosis for something that could have no answers. But I made myself call and make an appointment anyway. I’m not getting any younger and this didn’t look to be fixing itself.

The earliest I could get an appointment was May 21. Which will be tomorrow. I’m not thrilled about where my appointment is but insurance rather limits my choices. This practice is the only in town, in network practice. I’ve some experience with them but not as a patient. But see, the stuff I learned while researching last year? Wasn’t just about fertility cycles but just how broken the American maternity system is. That is indeed another post on its own; I’ll cross that bridge when (if) it gets here. What will happen tomorrow? I’m not sure. At that point we’ll only have been trying (Hi! Sex!) for six months. There’s no point in guessing about what will happen because there’s no way to know. I think I’m equal parts anxious, terrified, and eager. I just hope I can keep my blood pressure in check because it has skyrocketed at regular checkups just because I do not want to be dealing with doctors. And this is no regular checkup.

To recap: yes, we’re trying to have a baby. Yes, it’s taking longer than we thought. Yes, I AM going to talk about it. People shouldn’t have to quietly suffer from insensitive questions. People shouldn’t be shamed in to not talking about normal processes because it makes some people uncomfortable. Speaking out is one of the best things I can do and since this is my space to do so you’d better believe that I’m going to. Am I opening myself up to criticism? Disappointment? Probably. But I’ve used writing as therapy for a long time and that’s something I need right now.

(Remember! Birth control, adoption, overpopulation, I don’t want to hear any of it.)

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