Archived entries for family

Writer’s block

It’s not that I’m having a real block. I’ve been writing. I’ve been writing lots of things it’s just that as I come close to wrapping a post up, or even when getting to the heart of the story I keep having major episodes of second guessing myself. Why? I’ve come to realize that certain things that I had guessed a few weeks ago were actually true.

I am no stranger to the internet. I am perfectly aware that my blog and twitter account aren’t protected. Anyone can read them. I am also keenly aware that my views and opinions differ greatly from those of many people who know me. That’s one of the reasons why I’ve hesitated to be more open about sharing this site with them. Funny enough, my site is on my Facebook profile. Just this one. Finding my twitter requires some digging, more so now that I’ve been working on the layout here. I never tried to hide it and I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve written. I just don’t want to stir the pot. (Don’t even ask me about how hard it was not to post anything on Facebook during the circus that was the 2012 election.)

But, I still feel the same way I did a few weeks ago. I don’t want to stop writing, I don’t want to shut this blog down and move and I don’t want to feel like I’ve been chased out of the safe space that was my twitter. I also don’t want to feel like I can’t write about the things I’d like to just so that other people continue to feel good about themselves. But. BUT. The judging. It’s one thing to know that it’s a possibility that people are talking about you. It’s another thing entirely to know for certain that they are. And that some of those selfsame people might be reading this and recognizing themselves in the words I write and will take exception to it.

On the other hand, I have some close friends who I trust very much telling me that I’m not a terrible person, that I’m kind and reasonable and mostly rational. I say mostly because I have been having fangirl moments. (I regret nothing.) I say this to point out that I haven’t lost touch with reality. I’m not a hateful person and I haven’t been writing hateful or spiteful things. Sometimes frustration creeps out, yes, but I am only human.

Writing this hasn’t helped me reach any conclusions but well, what else is new? I’m not giving up yet.

The quandary

It’s currently 3:39 AM where I am and I cannot sleep. Probably not the best time to write but what can you do.

There’s lots of things I’ve thought about writing for this site and I really have been meaning to, especially if I want to keep up with my Ink Rally goals. Which I do. It’s just that this is a holiday week in the US and that means less free time at home and more time on the road and with family.

Which brings me to one of those things. Sometimes lately I get the idea that it would be awesome to link my blog up to my personal Facebook. (I don’t have a site page set up. I can’t decide if it’s worth it after the changes Facebook has recently made to how pages work. ) One of the main reasons is that I don’t upload much of any of my photos to Facebook other than the odd Instagram. It’s not that I don’t want people to see them I just really hate the compression that happens and I just don’t like having my photos on Facebook. I have many conflicting feelings about that site but I can’t seem to do without it because I live so far away from so many people. It’s a pickle.

So like my pumpkin patch and carving photos? I wouldn’t mind posting that so that extended family could see what we’ve been up to. But then. THEN. I remember what happened last time I shared my blog and some photos on Facebook where those same people could see them. In very few words, it was disastrous because they Did Not Approve. The fact that this was well over three years ago? Doesn’t matter. I still feel like I can’t talk about the details because there was such a lack of understanding on their part and huge sense of betrayal felt by yours truly that I’m not really joking when I say I could probably use a therapist to sort it all out.

What would you do if there was a hobby of yours that you just immensely loved and felt like it was an integral part of your identity HOWEVER when your family saw you exploring your hobby and trying new things and instead of encouraging you and being excited for you they respond with judgment and concern but not really concern for you, the kind of concern that shows they’re really just thinking about themselves?

Holy run-on. That’s not even all of it, really. Just the bones. The thing is I’ve got a feeling that maybe a few family members do know about my blog and read it occasionally. I really, really do not want a confrontation. I’m not ready for that again. See? I can’t even talk about the problem without feeling like I’m doing something wrong when I don’t feel like I was the one who did anything!

I’ve looked at my options. I could try to conform to their expectations. I could abandon this site and start over, attempting anonymity. I could just stop doing any sort of blogging. All of those options suck. Each one would mean that I am trying to change or hide something about myself that I’m not ashamed about but am actually rather proud of. I’ve had other people express their incredulity over what happened and I KNOW I’m not crazy. It is simply not fair to feel like I need to hide something that is not bad at all.

But then I remember what did happen, so I don’t share my posts and I continually fret over why I feel like I can’t. I know that most people would say forget them, do what you want. That’s easy to say, especially on the internet. This is the intersection of real life and the internet and that is something else. Maybe someday I’ll be able to feel like none of it matters and I can post and share whatever I like. Until then, round and round I’ll go.

Thankful

I would like to say that I am thankful for my family, friends, and so many other things in my life. I’m thankful that so far, I don’t have a serious medical problem. I want to thank all of the people who take the time to say nice things about my photos; I’m terrible about replying to comments. I appreciate each and every single remark that’s left, though, and I am going to try to get better at responding (and implementing something that will let you know I’ve done so!).

And I am very thankful for my husband, who has put up with my whining for the last three months, taken care of me, got up to fix me dinner and get me a drink, and generally pamper me. He hasn’t said anything but I feel like I’ve been a bit of a pain lately. I am very appreciative of everything he’s done for me.

Also, it’s his birthday this Saturday! He’ll finally be as old as me. (For two months. Then I go back to being “old.” Maybe I should take back some of the nice things I just said… just kidding.) Happy Birthday, honey!

May all of you have a Happy Thanksgiving! And for those who don’t celebrate Thanksgiving this week, have a good time anyway.

Adventures in painting


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One of my sisters and her husband came to visit today. After sitting around chatting some we went to Arby’s for lunch and talked some more. I really wish we could visit more with them because I had a great time. Once we got back from lunch my cousin came over to play with my sister’s paints. She had brought oil and watercolors. I was supposed to have found my acrylics but they were no where to be found. I looked through every closet twice before I found them in a box of scrap booking supplies. I’m highly organized like that.

They both began working on a painting of a picture of a hollyhock I took last year. I had to search for about 15 minutes to find out where it was on my hard drive so they would have a reference. (Another sign of my highly organized system.) During that time I finally found my acrylics and decided to start painting… something. I only got as far as covering the entire canvas with a background color. See, I haven’t used the acrylics since my sister gave them to me, oh, over a year ago. Everything kept glooping together and made mixing the color I wanted a little difficult. It often turned into a vomit green color and I had to start over. But that’s all part of the fun, right? Also part of the fun was deciding that yes, we are all crazy and that just makes life more fun. I was also able to document some of their painting process. More photos after the cut.

work begins Continue reading…

Traveling

The holidays are here. By that I mean Thanksgiving is tomorrow and Christmas is less than a month away. That in turn means time off from work! Time to visit family and spend time with loved ones. For us, visiting family means traveling no matter which side we’re going to see. We’re going to my parent’s for Thanksgiving this year which is definitely the shorter trip.

Alas, I won’t have much internet access over the break so see ya Sunday!


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