echodrift

Work in progress

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this site and what I do on the web. I haven’t done a lot to get the word out about it. I don’t think I have that many readers and I often neglect to write for months at a time. And let’s just not mention the fact that I haven’t touched the layout in a long time. These thoughts have been rattling around in my head for a while and they’re probably still a bit jumbled up.

I don’t consider myself that good of a writer. I always feel like I can never fully express what it is I want to say, that whatever I write is inadequate. I figure I’ve got the technical part of it pretty squared away. (Is saying “I figure” less southern than saying “I reckon”? Cause some people have made fun of me for saying “I reckon.”) I can generally piece together coherent sentences and even some well structured ones. It’s the art of choosing words and knowing how to use them effectively, placing words so that the flow instead of standing stiffly that seems so elusive.

So while I may not be good at it I love writing. There are a lot of times I use it as a type of therapy. Even when I know that not many, if any, people will ever read it I feel better putting thoughts down. And I want to get better with my writing. I’m not going to sit here and say “I’m not a writer” because that would be stupid. I write, therefore I am a writer. I may not have aspirations of writing for publications or creating novels or making a living from writing but that doesn’t mean I’m not a writer. (This sort of goes along with my “not a photographer” gripe.)

I’ve struggled to find topics to write about for this site. A lot of my life right now focuses on my job, which I am not willing to write about. I don’t view that as a form of censorship; I see it as being smart. I’ve never tried to keep this site anonymous and I take full responsibility know that family, friends, and employers (current and theoretical future ones) could find and read to their heart’s content. I have no desire to start password protecting posts, either. That’s why when I do mention anything remotely job related I make sure that, given the chance, I don’t say anything that I wouldn’t say to someone’s face. Besides, it would mostly be boring things about SQL and report writing and– here’s where I stop myself.

What I’m trying to say is that I feel like I lack purpose. Why do I write here? I don’t have a cause. I’m not an advocate for anything. I don’t lead an amazingly interesting life. And I’m not a mommyblogger (not that there is anything wrong with mommybloggers). I’m not out to monetize the site through sponsorships or advertising. And I’m not about to start regularly blogging about my cats because I’m not a crazy cat lady. Yet.

In spite of all of that I feel like I could be doing something with this site and writing in general. I’ve been doing ok with having Wordless on Wednesday posts fairly regularly and while I highly enjoy sharing my photos (I think I’ll be writing another post on that), I want to write. Having a blog seems like having a mass of potential that is just waiting to be used. So I must ask myself why I haven’t used that potential yet.

Maybe I just haven’t found “my thing” yet. Or my niche if we want to get fancy. I’m about to equate this with my “real life.” Actually, now that I say that, I don’t want to have to make a distinction between the two. I am who I am; I don’t need to create a different persona. This is part of my real life. Also, it pains me to see writers who say they are afraid to write certain things because they’re worried about what their established readers will think. (Watch, I’m about to really contradict that statement.) I think that happens because maybe sometimes they intentionally or unintentionally create this online person that is only part of them or is entirely fake. I don’t want to create a persona that isn’t wholly me. (Wow, that’s a whole other issue to tackle.)

Rabbit trail over! What I mean to say is that fairly often I feel like I’m sitting on the sidelines. Part of that is intentional. I really value my alone time and I don’t always need to be in the thick of things. I’m no stranger to being called an introvert and let’s just say I didn’t socialize much when I was younger. Or ever. And while I’ve been raised to believe in “hogwash labels” I think I have some form of social anxiety. I have irrational thoughts about how I just know that people are going to judge me for saying or doing ANYTHING and I just freeze up and do nothing. As I said, they’re irrational. I know this. It doesn’t keep me from thinking them. The fear of being judged is really strong for me. Awesome thing that is the internet: I tried to see if “the fear of being judged” has an amazingly cool name like triskaidekaphobia. (I ALMOST SPELLED THAT RIGHT WITH NO HELP. Stupid “k.”) (By the way, that is fear of the number 13.) From what I can tell it doesn’t. It’s the definition of social anxiety or social phobia.

So. Social anxiety. It’s not extreme to the point of my not being able to be in any sort of social situation. I can and do function. I do, however, feel like I don’t and never will fit in anywhere. Not even in online communities and the quasi-anonymity they offer. I will never meet most of you who read this. I could hide behind my screen and write whatever I want and probably never have to deal with the consequences. I don’t want to be like that (but I could).

There are so many times that I see people talking to each other, having conversations, and making good friends and I want to jump in and say something because I don’t want to be a total hermit. But then fear of people not liking me holds me back. I want to be a part of their group but what if they hate me? What if they think I’m being rude or totally random and crash their party? Why should my opinion be worth anything? What if they call me weird or crazy? I joke and try to tell myself that everyone I know has called me crazy at least once. I think that’s a coping mechanism. While it may be true that many people I know have called me crazy it’s a very painful truth. I am not literally crazy. Why do they feel the need to label my behavior as such when I’m no more crazy than they are? Maybe that’s a separate issue.

There’s a vulnerability to opening yourself up to others. (There is a lot of vulnerability in sharing art but I’m saving that for another post.) Maybe my social anxiety has developed from the number of times I have been burned and now I’m afraid to open up to anyone. Because that fear of being judged? It’s not completely irrational. I’ve experienced it before, and from the people I had thought most would be the ones to at least accept, if not understand, what I had shared. I’ve never ever had buckets or even slightly moderate amounts of self confidence. So why am I writing at all?

I want to get better. The little reading I did about social anxiety said that cognitive behavioral therapy is the way to correct it. I think cure is too strong of a word. I’m not about to sign up for therapy. Not yet anyway; I’m not going to completely rule that out but I don’t think it’s likely. Besides, I can’t imagine what some people would say about needing therapy for this. Or anything because all psychologists and psychiatrists are quacks, right? (I’m joking; others wouldn’t be.) From what I can tell, all of this is in my head. There isn’t anything wrong with me in a neurological or chemical any other sort of sense. It’s thought processes, processes that can be retrained. The first step to recovery is usually admitting that there is a problem in the first place.

And so, using my own form of therapy, I’m writing about it. Writing a massive post that is starting to resemble a wall of text. I should give a cookie to everyone who reads it all. Virtual cookies. This is definitely a work in progress and I plan to revisit the topic of social anxiety as I try to figure out how I can overcome it.

And I wish that I had some pretty pictures to break up this massive wall of text but I don’t. I’m making do with a laptop that has lasted over 7 years now. That qualifies it for the label of dinosaur, right? And the edit area for my WordPress dash on this laptop screen is SO DAMN TINY.

Oh, I said damn… what will people think?

Conflicts

I’ve been avoiding writing. Some things have happened and I’m just not comfortable with talking about them in a public way. Weird statement for a blogger, maybe, but some things definitely don’t need to be said in public. A while back I had planned to write a big post on what people do and say online that should maybe kept private but I think that draft has been around for over six months now. Pretty strong indication that I’ll never finish it.

I will talk about it some now, though, planned post be hanged. (I really just looked that up to see if I should use ‘hung’ instead.) I used to never have a problem with separating my online life from my personal life. No one in my social circle was into the “design” thing way back when and for others… what they didn’t know didn’t hurt them. If I had something to say that I didn’t really want out in the open I had a protected journal to post in. I still do, actually. I’m fully aware that one is not entitled to any level of privacy if they decide to post something online without placing a password on it or some other sort of security. Of course, someone you let in to your confidence could betray you but thankfully that has never happened to me.

Things are a little bit different these days. “Social networking” seems to be the buzzword of the year so far with the rising popularity of Facebook and other sites like that twitter thing. (Really, it’s fairly entertaining to hear non twitter users talking about twitter. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard say “I don’t want to read about what you ate for lunch so why would I use twitter?” or something similar. Twitter can be used for much more than that.) I have been rather surprised by the increasing numbers of older users on Facebook. Please don’t take offense; I’m not trying to say that some people are too old to use the internet or make derogatory comments about people’s ages. I’m sure there are some kids who would say that I’m the old fogey here and what am I doing on their interwebs!? Still, one really wouldn’t expect that one’s parents would be on Facebook but it’s happening.

Where am I going with this. So many sites now allow you to bring in content from other websites. I do so with my blog and my twitter account. Facebook will allow you to connect to all sorts of sites including any site that has an RSS feed. All of those stories can be imported and published to your news feed. You can add your own websites to your profile and all kinds of different things. Since Facebook is intended to be used to connect to people you know online and offline life start to blur. In reality this shouldn’t be a problem. A person should be able to be the same online as they are offline and vice versa.

So maybe I’m not really going anywhere with this; I’m having a hard time explaining what I want to say. In a way this whole internal mess I’m trying to straighten out has to do with more than just what a person posts online. I don’t even know who, exactly, reads this. This site is linked to from some of the sites I’ve already mentioned so it could be any number of people I know, both online and off.

I guess what I really want to ask is where do you draw the line between doing what you feel is right for yourself and doing what makes people you know and care about happy? What happens when you come to a time where the two are completely incompatible? Several people have told me that you should do what makes yourself happy but how do you reconcile that with the fact that you know you are disappointing others or that they will never accept that you are doing those things to help yourself?

It snowed today

You know how it is when there’s someone you haven’t talked to in a while? Maybe you were friends and you just didn’t see each other for a while. Maybe you made new friends and talked to them instead. Or maybe it just happened. Then, when you did see them, you still didn’t talk much because it was awkward and you just didn’t know what to do? I think I’ve been treating this and my other sites like that.

Ever since I started uploading pictures to flickr I started neglecting and then avoiding my photoblog. I still like the idea of photoblogging; I’m just regretting the choice of having it as a totally separate site. I still haven’t figured out what to do about that. The plug in I’m using for it now is great. I could continue to use it with this site or find another way to incorporate photos. Figuring that out requires a little more motivation than I’ve had lately (which is another reason for the obvious neglect).

However, I’ve figured out a little something about my lack of motivation: the only person who can fix that is me. Things will not start happening unless I do them. Sitting there moping about how I never do anything helps no one. This applies to more than blogging or the lack thereof. I used to hear everyone talk about the “Freshman 15.” I never really saw of that while I was in college but I’m afraid they’re catching up to me. Nothing major, really, but I’m not as in shape as I’d like to be. I’m working on that, too. My fight to quit drinking sodas is not going quite so well as I’d like. I’ve been dealing with enough headaches lately that dealing with one caused by something I know I can fix just isn’t worth it right now.

Now maybe someone can answer this for me: is the title or the body the non sequitur? Also, can you believe that I spelled non sequitur right when I was looking up to make sure I knew what I was talking about?

Revolutions

I think the second week back to work after a week long vacation was harder than the first week back. Of course, I’m still getting over whatever bug I had at New Year’s. It seems like I am now (mostly) over that.

Ever since I put the new theme up I had intended to write about my New Year’s “resolutions.” That’s a little ironic because one of my “resolutions” was to not procrastinate so much about writing. The thing is, some people seem to hope that by writing down all of their goals for the upcoming year that they will automatically turn into revolutions. Not quite. You aren’t going to change yourself overnight just because you wrote something down on a piece of paper or in your blog, though I think broadcasting your resolutions makes you a little more accountable. I also don’t quite get the big hoopla over wanting to just make resolutions at New Year’s. It isn’t magical or anything but hey, if it works, it works.

The key thing is to not consider your resolutions a failure the first, or second, or hundredth time you don’t follow it to them letter. So what if one of your resolutions was to post more on your blog and then you went a whole week without touching it. That should just give you more reason to try harder to keep to your resolution for the rest of the year. So. On to my list.

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