In January I started a 20 week Accutane treatment. I can’t recall if I ever mentioned it here; it was an extremely rough time. I thought almost everyone knew what that horrible poison is but apparently, some do not. It’s technically a drug called isotretinoin and is used as an aggressive acne treatment. This is what dermatologists put you on when all other methods have failed. Methods such as but not limited to hormonal birth control, various cleansers and creams, and months of antibiotic treatment. I was in such misery emotionally and physically (it was painful for areas of my skin to be touched by my clothes) and in danger of scarring my face that I signed up for the overwhelming list of possible side effects. If anything, the knowledge that certain side effects were simply possibilities, especially those that affect pregnancies (trust me, it’s terrible, they put pictures on every single 10 packet of pills; I had to take two pills a day so I saw the pictures a lot), scared the ever living daylights out of me even though I never experienced some of them. I have no doubt that I suffered more than a little depression as a result. It was a horrid, terrible experience that I hope to never put myself through again. At this time I do think it was worth it. I was becoming depressed anyway and my little self esteem was plummeting.

To say that I was excited for my treatment to end in June and my last dermatologist appointment in July is a huge understatement. My skin is miles better than it was and whatever does come up will be dealt with. It will take a lot to make me even think about considering another round of Accutane.

One of the many potential side effects of that vile stuff is headaches. While I was taking it I brushed off anything I had as being due to it, took some tylenol or whatever and that was it. I didn’t keep a close track of anything but I think in July they started to get worse. Still no problem, Excedrin Migraine and some sleep fixed everything.

Then. Then came August 26 and… something that left me in such pain and discomfort that I was barely able to sleep for two days and no pain relievers worked. That started a cascade of doctor’s visits, prescriptions, diagnostic tests, insurance hassles, and ~SIDE EFFECTS~ Pesky thing about drugs: they seem to break more things than they fix, sometimes. After determining that I have no tumors or some other cause of my headaches my neurologist decided to bump up the anti depressant I was put on in order to try to prevent the headaches. By the way, it bothered me to find out after I had my prescription filled that it was an anti depressant. Shouldn’t doctors be telling their patients what sorts of things they’re being given? Anyway. The increase? Big. Mistake. After experiencing crazy heart rates (120 while sitting!!) and bizarre vertigo they backed it down. After weeks of that, though, it didn’t seem to be doing any good. Solution? Switch to another drug! Start Topomax at 25mg and increase to 50mg after just a week. And by the way, side effects for this only include confusion, inability to concentrate, forgetting things, small stuff. Oh yes, while not an anti depressant it can increase depressive thoughts. Just a few days after I went to the higher dose my lips and eyes to twitching enough to drive a person insane. Back to 25mg it was.

That’s where I am now. Except I don’t think the lower dose is really doing enough to prevent the headaches. But what can I do? A higher dose will drive me crazy and I’m talking certifiably, not the “she’s different and that makes me uncomfortable so I’m going to call her crazy to make myself feel better” type crazy. I honestly feel like I have absolutely no way to tell what is or isn’t helping. I have a very sneaking suspicion that stress is playing a huge part in this giant cocktail of whatever it is that’s wrong with me. That Which Shall Not Be Named has caused more than its fair amount of stress this entire year. (I am most curious to know which sentence in this post wins “Understatement of the Year.”)

Life has been stressful. Add in the smorgasbord of drugs that I’ve been on this year it is absolutely no wonder that I feel like an emotional wreck right now. I really don’t understand it myself. There is not one single thing that I can pin down (I might be lying to myself right there but will leave it as is) but I am just super unhappy, especially here in the last few weeks or so. And you know what? I’m tired of living like this. I used to wonder why when researching different headache disorders so many different sites suggested support groups or counseling or therapy for pain management for the person with the disorder and the ones close to them. I get it now. When there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do life turns pretty bleak. You don’t want to always complain about feeling bad yet there are no times in which you feel better. Your friends and family want to help but when they know that they can’t even fetch you a tylenol to help it sucks. The doctors seem to be treating you like a science experiment, guessing how much of which drug to give you.

So. I am endeavoring to change what I can. I have no solid plans at the moment because there are a lot of things I don’t have answers for right now. And even if I did, That Which Shall Not Be Named is so called for a reason. What plans can be wisely and safely shared will be. Gosh, that makes it sounds like I’m planning a rebellion or something equally nefarious. I’M NOT. I SWEAR. I’m just altering my outlook and goals. (Does that sound better? Maybe?) More of which I will be saving for a later day. It is late and I let myself get distracting researching symptoms on Wikipedia. FYI, NOT a smart thing to do to yourself at 11:30PM. But for what it’s worth, I’m pretty sure I don’t have fibromyalgia. Mostly sure.

Another source of stagnation is this website. It bothers me that the site has remained largely unchanged for nearly two years (my fault), that I hardly ever update (my fault), and that I’m horrible at responding to comments (again…. my fault). It’s not that I don’t want to do anything I just find myself lacking motivation. I have several things I could blame for that but truth is I need to make time. Certain events are going to force me to do so anyway. I need to renew my hosting soon or move the site. I haven’t decided which one I’ll do yet. I also need to get all of my domains together on one reseller account. Right now I have them registered through two different companies. This one in particular may be a challenge because of how the company that originally registered it for me changed hands. Again, something that I just need to sit down and take care of.

And as always I have things that I really want to do but never have time. But if I’m totally honest, I have time I just waste it doing non productive things, like aimlessly surfing the internet and seeing amazing things and thinking “I could do something like that!” but continue aimlessly browsing. Among those are getting back to drawing, taking more photos, actually processing and posting the photos I’ve taken, and attempt to get an online store set up. I want to see if I can actually sell prints of some of my photos. For one, it’d be a huge ego boost. (I hope that’s not as self-centered as it might sound. I could use a couple of good pick-me-ups right now and an ego boost seems better than the narcotic kind.) Another, I feel like if it’s successful I will be able to start saving up for more photography equipment or have money to buy film for my Polaroid that my sister-in-law spotted at a rummage sale for me. It was just $5 for a Polaroid OneStep Express. Unfortunately, it appears that buying film for it from The Impossible Project will be a rare treat. I’m wanting to come up with series that I can do with only 8 exposures as a sort of justification for it costing so much. We’ll see.

Other things I want (or maybe really need) to do are exercise more and learn to cook new and healthy (and tasty) food. A bike ride I took on Saturday is STILL reminding me that I don’t exercise nearly enough. Learning to cook (more; I can cook a little) will be a. healthier and b. hopefully cheaper. I have also been thinking that I might start up a written journal again. Maybe. Sometimes I have things in my head that just need to be written so that I can let them go.

So. Many things to do. I think I will feel more accountable if I put them out here and say “these are things I should be doing.” I am also thinking of posting lists and reminders near my computer so that they stare me in the face. I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have to do that but I’m letting certain things (like “the thing I don’t talk about on the internet”) are really getting me down and killing all motivation. I need to not let that get in my way and continue to pursue things that do make me happy and try to overcome the aforementioned letdown.

I will almost certainly be updating tomorrow about the results of my neurologist visit. I think I’m subconsciously delaying my bedtime because I’m almost too afraid to find out the answers.

I’ve noticed quite a few things in different photography groups and communities. People can be very opinionated. I don’t know if other hobbies or activities have such strong minded people but sometimes “established” photographers can have very strong convictions and end up being downright intimidating, dictating what is or is not photography, who is or is not a photographer. Here are some of the “crowds” I’ve observed and their definition of photography.

The Snobbish Crowd
There seem to be many types of snobs in the photography world. There are the film snobs who insist that if you don’t know how to work a fully manual film camera and develop your own negatives you aren’t a real photographer. The ones who say that if you don’t post photos that are “straight out of the camera” that you can’t call it photography anymore. The gear snobs, ones who say if you don’t have the latest greatest top of the line DSLR, only a $100 point and shoot camera, then you’re only a person who takes “snapshots.” Some people even go so far as to say that they feel you haven’t put enough thought or emotion in to the shot and are therefore not a photographer.

While it is true that an understanding of the fundamentals of photography, knowing to not over process photos, having equipment sufficient for what you are trying to do (you probably shouldn’t start a wedding photography business if you only have a tiny point and shoot), and having purpose to shooting instead of aimlessly pointing the camera, none of these things should limit you or be reason for another person to put you down.

The Hypercritical Crowd
This is a subgroup of The Snobbish Crowd. This group often talks trash behind other people’s backs, saying something along the lines “Did you see what they just uploaded to their ‘Photography’ album on Facebook? It’s a joke! They aren’t a photographer! It’s just a picture of a flower!” All of this with a “how dare they!” attitude.

I am going to admit my own guilt here. I have researched different photographers who have somehow got a website running and are posting portfolios and rates and so forth, presenting themselves as professional portrait photographers. I have seen some rather atrocious work and wondered how on earth the person ever got paid for anything. But we all started somewhere. I think people are too quick to forget that at some point, they probably took that same picture of a daisy and thought it was the most amazing photo they ever took. We should not be so quick to put down others. (The photo at left was taken in August 2008 with my Olympus FE-140. I used to think it was TOTALLY AWESOME and do still enjoy the photo.)

The Self Deprecating Crowd
I’ve seen this all over the internet and I think this Crowd bothers me the most. Someone has a blog, they have some sort of camera, and they like to take pictures. But when it comes to describing themselves in the “about” section they will go on about how they daren’t dream of calling themselves photographers because they are not worthy of the name. They “just take photos.” I’ve seen it outside of blogs, too. People who appear to be fairly accomplished and good at what they do compare themselves to big name photographers and lament that they will never be “that good” and so can not truly be called a photographer. It really bothers me when people say this about themselves in what is seemingly a grab for more attention, for people to shower them with praises. “Oh no you’re great photographer! You’re awesome!” And so forth.

I understand that people have doubts about their own work and artistic ability but most people are their own worst critic. From my own experience I feel that it is normal to have that sort of doubt. Here’s the thing, though: everyone is different. You might be completely comfortable with your own work. That’s fine. It’s also fine if you question your abilities, your drive, anything, so long as you don’t wallow in self pity and actually do something about it.

I am a Photographer
I have realized with photography, just like most things in life, we should not let anyone else define who we are. I recognize that I still have many many things to learn. I believe photography is like any other art form, comprised of artists who are always growing, always learning. Without this they can never improve. I have a long way to go in building the confidence that I need but one step in doing that is to say that yes, I am a photographer. That’s the only label I need; there is no real reason to dissect it further. I am passionate about what I do. Some of the photos I take are for me and just me. It really should not matter if anyone else likes them. What I want from the photos that I take for friends and family is for them to be able to look at the photos and to be able to remember the day, remember the events surrounding that photograph. It’s a way of preserving memories for them. What would this post be without at least a couple of examples?

There is something semi special about today. It’s my half birthday! I think the fact that I am excited about such a non special thing is evidence of just how long of a week it’s been. Sometime on Monday I thought to myself “Thank goodness it’s almost the weekend. I’m ready for a break.” Can you imagine how disappointed was when I realized that it was ONLY MONDAY?? Last week at work was pretty killer and this week wasn’t much better. I find it a little amusing that I’m having to try very hard to convince myself that it is indeed Friday and that I won’t have to get up early in the morning. Of course, I have a habit of waking up about the same time anyway but I don’t have to get out of bed and get ready for work. There’s a difference.

One other thing that I realized since it is my half birthday is that I have had my D60 for six months now. SIX MONTHS. It’s crazy. I’ve learned so much since I got the camera but there is still so much that I don’t know. I also need to practice taking more pictures of people but I need some willing participants. I know I sound crazy to most people (I’ve accepted that fact a while ago) but talking about cameras and things just makes me so excited! I’ve been kicking myself a little because I think I may have bought the wrong camera, mostly due to wanting to get some compatible, auto focusing lenses. There’s some technical things involved but I’m trying to figure out the most efficient and inexpensive way to get some new gear. There are soooo many options that it’s a little difficult to figure out. And of course nothing is cheap.

I will talk about it some now, though, planned post be hanged. (I really just looked that up to see if I should use ‘hung’ instead.) I used to never have a problem with separating my online life from my personal life. No one in my social circle was into the “design” thing way back when and for others… what they didn’t know didn’t hurt them. If I had something to say that I didn’t really want out in the open I had a protected journal to post in. I still do, actually. I’m fully aware that one is not entitled to any level of privacy if they decide to post something online without placing a password on it or some other sort of security. Of course, someone you let in to your confidence could betray you but thankfully that has never happened to me.

Things are a little bit different these days. “Social networking” seems to be the buzzword of the year so far with the rising popularity of Facebook and other sites like that twitter thing. (Really, it’s fairly entertaining to hear non twitter users talking about twitter. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard say “I don’t want to read about what you ate for lunch so why would I use twitter?” or something similar. Twitter can be used for much more than that.) I have been rather surprised by the increasing numbers of older users on Facebook. Please don’t take offense; I’m not trying to say that some people are too old to use the internet or make derogatory comments about people’s ages. I’m sure there are some kids who would say that I’m the old fogey here and what am I doing on their interwebs!? Still, one really wouldn’t expect that one’s parents would be on Facebook but it’s happening.

Where am I going with this. So many sites now allow you to bring in content from other websites. I do so with my blog and my twitter account. Facebook will allow you to connect to all sorts of sites including any site that has an RSS feed. All of those stories can be imported and published to your news feed. You can add your own websites to your profile and all kinds of different things. Since Facebook is intended to be used to connect to people you know online and offline life start to blur. In reality this shouldn’t be a problem. A person should be able to be the same online as they are offline and vice versa.

So maybe I’m not really going anywhere with this; I’m having a hard time explaining what I want to say. In a way this whole internal mess I’m trying to straighten out has to do with more than just what a person posts online. I don’t even know who, exactly, reads this. This site is linked to from some of the sites I’ve already mentioned so it could be any number of people I know, both online and off.

I guess what I really want to ask is where do you draw the line between doing what you feel is right for yourself and doing what makes people you know and care about happy? What happens when you come to a time where the two are completely incompatible? Several people have told me that you should do what makes yourself happy but how do you reconcile that with the fact that you know you are disappointing others or that they will never accept that you are doing those things to help yourself?

Point under consideration: Spring Break. I know, I know, Summer Break is longer and more appealing, but let’s keep it small for now. Who doesn’t like getting a whole week off to do nothing without calculating out how many days of vacation for the entire year that they’ll have left after that one week? I think it would be pretty darn awesome to get a week off right about now. Granted, the weather today was terrible. It rained for a good while and only cleared off after 6 or 7. Side note: I am so excited that it isn’t pitch black when I get home! The rest of the week is supposed to look pretty decent but even if it wasn’t I think I need some time to catch up.

Think about the best parts: you can forget about school (your primary responsibilities) for a whole week. If you’re lucky you don’t even have any projects assigned for when you get back. You don’t have to set an alarm clock. You can stay up late (maybe) and take naps whenever you want (though I suppose voluntary maps are more of a college student thing).

I’m here to tell you a very sad thing: people who become grownups and do the “adult thing” don’t get Spring Break unless they become teachers. They deserve it, I think, though they do get an awful lot of days off for things like snow that the 9-5′ers can only dream about.

There are much more disadvantages to being a grown up other than the absence of a Spring Break. Paying bills comes to mind. It’s no fun either. Neither are taxes. On that note, excuse me while I partake in one of the few things “grown ups” and children share in common: bed time.

(If you’re wondering, yes, the husband is on spring break this week. Sigh.)